Archer And Me
by Red Witch
Summary: Lana forces Archer to take a parenting class with her.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone to class. Just some tiny madness from my deranged little mind.**

 **Archer And Me**

"Will you please **stop** whining?" Lana groaned as she drove the car.

"But I don't wanna go!" Archer whined. AJ was in the back seat of the car in her car seat being very happy and content.

"Archer, you're going like it or not!"

"I choose not!"

"Archer…" Lana gritted her teeth. "This is important to me. And to your daughter."

"This is a Mommy and Me Class!" Archer whined as Lana parked her car in the driveway. "Why do I have to be here?"

"It's Father's Night," Lana explained. "In fact fathers are encouraged to attend all classes."

"Why are you taking a dumb parenting class?" Archer asked.

"It's not dumb to want to be a better parent!" Lana snapped. "I've already learned a lot in this class. And it couldn't hurt you either."

"You don't know that for sure."

"Let me put it to you another way," Lana gritted her teeth. "If you don't behave I will **hurt you**!"

"Oh well when you put it like **that** …" Archer groaned.

"Now the teacher's name is Mrs. Butters," Lana said. "She's been a nanny for over twenty years, has two children of her own and is also a registered nurse."

"Does she also have a magic carpet bag you can pull a lamp and a pot of tea out of?" Archer mocked in a bad British accent. "Fly around using an umbrella and have tea parties on the celling?"

"You done?" Lana glared at him.

"Does she have any relatives in South Park?" Archer said cheerfully.

"Shut up and **behave yourself**!" Lana snapped. "Or I'll shove a spoon full of sugar where the sun doesn't shine where even Mr. Hankey would never find it!"

"Oh this is going to be a **fun night** ," Archer groaned as he looked at AJ. "Can you say threaten with physical violence AJ?"

"Thweta phisi coo violah wence!" AJ chirped. "Da da! Boom Hangova!"

"I knew you could," Archer said.

Soon they were inside a large classroom. Sitting in a circle around the toddlers who were happily playing with toys. Or being held by their parents. "Good Evening and welcome to Father's Night!" A plump British woman in her sixties wearing a purple dress twittered. "I'm Mrs. Butters!"

"Now I know what Winston Churchill looks like in a dress," Archer muttered under his breath.

"I see some new faces," Mrs. Butters grinned. "As well as a lot of familiar ones. Before I go on, Melvin I want to thank you for the scones!"

"You're welcome Mrs. B!" A thin man wearing thick green rimmed glasses, a beaklike nose and had a perm of red hair spoke up. He wore a white shirt with a green vest and had green jeans and brown shoes.

"I've just learned something," Archer quipped. "I've learned who the class suck up is."

"Tonight our class is on supportive and harmonious co-parenting skills," Mrs. Butters spoke. "How Mommy and Daddy can work together in raising a happy and healthy child. Tonight we will be covering successful communication between parents and children and answering some of your questions."

"I have a question," Archer raised his hand. "Where's the table with the Scotch?"

"There is no Scotch Mr.…?" Mrs. Butters sighed.

"Archer. Sterling Archer," Archer grinned. "Okay gin then."

"There's no gin either," Mrs. Butters. "Or tequila or beer or vodka or any other alcoholic drink!"

"I thought this class was supposed to be about making Mommy and Daddy happy?" Archer challenged. "Because a drink would make this Daddy happy!"

"There's always **one** in every class…" Mrs. Butters sighed.

"Alcohol isn't acceptable for children!" Melvin said.

"Duh! It's for me!" Archer barked.

"You shouldn't be drinking around children anyway," Melvin sniffed. "A happy parent is a sober parent."

"Tell that to my mother," Archer quipped.

"Archer…" Lana groaned.

"A happy parent is a schockered parent!" Archer snorted.

"Archer!" Lana barked.

"Okay fine!" Archer shrugged as he pulled out a flask. "I guess it's BYOS. Even though it wouldn't kill you to supply some cocktails."

"BYOS?" A man asked.

"Bring Your Own Scotch," Archer explained as he started to drink from the flask.

"Archer!" Lana hissed. Archer kept drinking and held up a finger. "ARCHER!"

"Well," A mother pointed. "That explains **that!"**

AJ was drinking her bottle and had her finger pointed just like her father. "I wondered where she learned that." Melvin remarked. "So **that's** why she always does that when she has her bottle."

"Why don't we just move on to our first lesson shall we?" Mrs. Butters sighed.

"Please…" Lana groaned, already embarrassed.

"Our first lesson deals with Positive Reinforcement," Mrs. Butters began. "As our children grow it is only natural that they act out in order assert their independence. It's easy to focus on behaviors we don't want from our children. It's essential to focus and reward them on what they are doing right, not what they are doing wrong."

"What?" Archer did a double take.

"If you observe negative behavior from a child," Mrs. Butters went on. "Correct it in a positive manner. For example, instead of saying 'pick up your clothes! I don't want this room to be a mess.' You could say 'I would appreciate it you helping me by picking up your clothes'."

"Or you could just get a butler to do it," Archer spoke up. "I mean that is his job. And if he fails to do his job properly either set his clothes on fire or throw them off the balcony."

"What?" Mrs. Butters did a double take.

"You have to forgive Archer," Lana said. "His mother is the Queen of Negative Reinforcement. Positive reinforcement is literally a foreign language to him."

"Look who's talking," Archer snorted.

"What does **that** mean?" Lana barked.

"You're not exactly Little Miss Positivity yourself," Archer said.

"Explain yourself," Lana folded her arms.

"Don't you mean, **please** explain yourself?" Archer quipped.

"Very good Mr. Archer," Mrs. Butters said.

"WHAT?" Lana did a double take. "You're on **his side**?"

"I'm not taking sides," Mrs. Butters said. "I'm just trying to make a point. And I have noticed in this class that you tend to be a bit…outspoken with your point of view."

"She loves to lecture," Archer spoke up, "Might as well call her Mr. Chips."

"Archer!" Lana barked.

"Now Lana," Mrs. Butters said. "Perhaps we can use this as an opportunity to practice positive reinforcement? Nagging is a destructive habit that often backfires."

"Yeah Lana!" Archer harped.

"What? I don't nag!" Lana barked. Archer laughed at this. "Archer!"

"Oh my God!" Archer laughed. "Guys help me out here! This one nags all the time? Am I right?"

"I do **not** nag!" Lana barked.

"You do tend to be a bit critical Lana," Melvin said.

"Who asked you Melvin?" Lana snapped.

"Lana why don't you tell your partner how you feel?" Mrs. Butters suggested. "Say I feel…"

"Fine," Lana sighed. "Archer I feel you should…"

"Not should, Lana," Mrs. Butters interjected. "Should is a bad word."

"Since when?" Archer asked.

"I feel you could…" Mrs. Butters prompted.

Lana took a deep breath. "Archer I feel you could take this class a little more seriously so that your daughter will not feel the abandonment you felt as a child when you grew up without a father."

"Going right to **there** aren't we?" Archer remarked.

"I also feel that you could try to push my buttons a little less," Lana went on. "Even thought that is what you **live** for! Making everyone feel as miserable as you do deep inside…"

"Uh Lana…" Mrs. Butters began.

"I also feel that you could take our relationship more seriously!" Lana barked. "And stop eyeballing dried out old trolls that remind you of your mother!"

"Oh my God this is about Veronica Deane **again?"** Archer barked. "How many times do I have to explain that?"

"Until you tell the truth," Lana barked. "Which I **know** is a foreign language to you! But I feel you could work on that!"

"She kissed me!" Archer protested.

"Yeah! Right!" Lana barked.

"She did!" Archer snapped.

"The movie star?" Melvin spoke up. "I kind of find that hard to believe."

"Shut up Melvin!" Archer barked. "Well while we're on the subject of feelings. I feel that you could lecture a lot less. And that you could learn to back off and not be such a jealous…"

"JEALOUS? OF THAT DRIED UP OLD PRUNE?" Lana barked.

"VERONICA IS A BEAUTIFUL DESIERABLE WOMAN!" Archer shouted back.

"SHE'S FIFTY!" Lana shouted back. "AND IT'S VERONICA NOW?"

"FIFTY IS THE NEW FORTY!" Archer snapped.

Mrs. Butters whistled harshly. "Enough! Shouting is **not** an acceptable form of communication!"

"It is in my family," Archer snorted.

"Sometimes it's the **only** form of communication in your family," Lana gave him a look.

"You do realize your actions have consequences for your child right?" Mrs. Butters asked.

As she spoke another toddler had crawled up to AJ to touch the stuffed rabbit she was playing with. "MINE!" AJ screamed as she bopped the other toddler on the head with the stuffed rabbit.

"What do you mean?" Archer blinked.

"What is wrong with you people?" The mother of the toddler picked her up. "Your child assaulted mine!"

"Well your kid shouldn't have tried to steal her bunny rabbit," Archer protested. "Good job AJ!"

"No, no! Bad job!" Mrs. Butters was appalled.

"Hey this is a cold cruel world," Archer told her. "And people are always trying to take what's yours! So you have to fight for it! Which AJ did!"

"Where did you get that kind of toxic life lesson?" Mrs. Butters was stunned.

"His mother," Lana groaned.

"Who was right about this!" Archer snapped.

"Archer…" Lana sighed.

"What you want our daughter to be a wimp like Melvin over here?" Archer pointed.

"Hey!" Melvin snapped.

"Of course I don't want our daughter to end up like Melvin!" Lana snapped back.

"HEY!" Melvin snapped.

"Hey is for horses Melvin," Archer quipped.

"But I also don't want her to be a bully like you!" Lana pointed out.

"Oh **I'm** the bully?" Archer snorted. "Who dragged who here to this stupid class? And who threatened to beat me to a pulp if I didn't go?"

"That does sound like bullying to me," Melvin spoke up.

"Shut up Melvin!" Lana snapped.

"Yeah textbook case right there!" Melvin spoke up.

"I am not the one who once forced Cyril to put on gloves filled with thumbtacks!" Lana snapped.

"It was after you broke up after he cheated on you," Archer shrugged. "I was helping!"

"It was three months ago!" Lana barked. "And we had been broken up for years!"

"Still counts," Archer shrugged.

"And **you're** one to talk about cheating," Lana glared at him. "Since you're such an **expert** on it!"

"I didn't cheat on you with Veronica Deane!" Archer protested.

"You practically did!" Lana snapped. "God only knows what you did when you were hiding in that mansion while the rest of us were tied up and being held hostage by evil clowns!"

"Uh this little thing called coming up with a **rescue plan?"** Archer said. "Ever hear of that?"

"Well not from **you!** " Lana barked. "I had to rescue myself. And we all ended up being shot by damn bean bags!"

"What exactly do you people do for a living?" Melvin spoke up.

"I was waiting for the right time," Archer said.

"Interesting choice of words," Lana grumbled. "Because the first time we dated, you were always waiting for the **right time**! To cheat on me!"

"Here we go!" Archer threw up his hands. "It all boils down to your lack of trust in me!"

"And where do you think **that** comes from?" Lana barked. "Huh? It never occurred to you that you might have something to do with that? For example, when you cheated on me in Paris!"

"I was seducing an enemy agent," Archer protested. "That was part of my job!"

"And the maid? And that secretary? And two prostitutes?" Lana barked. " **That** was part of your job?"

"I was playing a part," Archer said.

"Of what? Man Slut of the World?" Lana barked.

"You know…?" Archer began.

"What part were you playing when you cheated on me with Cheryl huh?" Lana went on. "Explain that!"

"Well honestly I was bored and waiting for the cable guy," Archer began.

"Or how about Valarie?" Lana said.

"Oh God how many times do I have to apologize for Portugal?" Archer groaned.

" **Once** would be nice!" Lana snapped.

"Well as long as we're on the Apology Bandwagon how about all the times you never apologized to me?" Archer deflected.

"For **what?** " Lana asked incredulously.

"Uh I don't know for starters Farook?" Archer gave her a look.

"What? I never had sex with Farook!" Lana snapped.

"No! You just used him to test my fitness as a parent!" Archer snapped. "With live ammo!"

"Oh for crying out…" Lana began.

"You've never trusted me with my own child!" Archer said. "Like the time AJ was teething and you ripped her out of my arms!"

"You were giving her bourbon!" Lana snapped.

"I was rubbing it on her gums!" Archer said.

"You can't do that!" Lana snapped.

"Why not?" Archer asked.

"Because I don't want my daughter to turn into a raging alcoholic like her father!" Lana barked. "And grandmother."

"I wouldn't say raging…" Archer protested.

"I've heard you threaten to shoot bartenders if they get your drink order wrong!" Lana glared at him.

"Sounds like rage to me," Melvin spoke up.

"Who asked **you** Melvin?" Archer snapped.

"Yeah, definitely some anger issues there," Melvin added.

"And a lot of **other** issues," Mrs. Butter groaned.

"The point is Archer I can't trust you because I know things will go wrong because you care more about yourself and drinking than anything else!" Lana protested.

"That is **not** true," Archer folded his arms. "I care very much about research for Tinnitus and Breast Cancer!"

"Only because you got those diseases," Lana folded her arms. "As well as every other venereal disease known to mankind!"

"Again…bringing that up!" Archer groaned.

"Yes!" Lana said. "Like the time your daughter was born and you were off banging lady boy hookers in the South Pacific for the first six weeks of her life!"

"They were **genetic females!"** Archer snapped.

"Hang on," A woman spoke up. "Your name is Sterling but your wife calls you by your **last name**?"

"One except for my mother almost everyone calls me Archer," Archer explained.

"And two we're not married," Lana admitted.

"Gee I wonder **why?** " Melvin spoke up.

"YOU'RE CRUISING FOR A BRUSING MELVIN!" Archer shouted.

"You can do better honey!" A woman shouted.

"Duh!" Lana rolled her eyes.

"Oh you think so huh?" Archer snapped. "Why don't you tell these people what happened when I proposed to you? Huh?"

"Archer I don't think this is the…" Lana began.

"Granted I didn't know the baby was mine at the time," Archer began. "With sperm you stole from my doctor! And we were being held by the CIA posing as the FBI as part of Mother's stupid cartel scheme... But when we were escaping and I suggested that we get married and get new identities and live our lives incognito what do you think she said? Huh? You know what she said?"

"Archer…" Lana bristled.

"She said and I quote," Archer glared at her. "I'd rather **lose** the baby! Can you believe that? Some parent she is!"

"That was…" Lana winced at the horrified gasps. "That was taken out of…I didn't think you were **serious!** "

"Lana we were fugitives from the Fake FBI which was actually the CIA," Archer said. "Of course I was serious!"

"How would I know that?" Lana snapped. "When all you do is dick around every time…"

"That's enough!" Mrs. Butters shouted. "Please watch your language!"

"What the shit are you talking about?" Archer asked.

"That!" Mrs. Butters bristled. "And this…vulgar display of…How you two act around each other and your child…As well as total strangers…is shameful!"

"What?" Archer asked. "We're communicating! Isn't that what this dumb course is about?"

"This is **not** communication," Mrs. Butters snapped. "This is a bloody Tennessee Williams play hyped up on cocaine!"

"That's what the CIA was trying to get us to sell," Archer spoke up.

"ARCHER!" Lana barked.

"It didn't work!" Archer protested.

"I'm going to pretend that all you speak is nonsense because I don't understand a word you say!" Mrs. Butters glared at Archer.

"Oh well then pip-pip and cheerio Mrs. Butterworth," Archer mocked.

"My baby's crying because of you!" Melvin shouted as he held a toddler.

"Your baby is crying because he's just realized what a loser his father is," Archer remarked.

"I am getting sick of how you are talking to my husband!" A petite brown haired woman snapped.

"Good. I'm getting sick of **talking** to him," Archer quipped.

"See what he does?" Lana pointed. "See the shit I have to put up with?"

"Lana!" Mrs. Butters gasped.

"What?" Lana asked.

"Shit! Shit!" A toddler shouted.

"Oh…" Lana winced. Two more toddlers took up the offending word.

"Oh goody," Mrs. Butters grumbled. "We get to do the class in how to stop your children from swearing ahead of schedule."

"Oh relax Mrs. Butterball," Archer waved as he took out his flask. "It's good for kids to expand their vocabulary."

"Not **this** kind of vocabulary!" Mrs. Butters bristled. "And put down that flask right now!"

"Or **what**?" Archer scoffed.

"Or I will **make** you," Mrs. Butters growled.

"Oh no!" Archer mocked. "Mrs. Butterfinger is going to make me! Maybe she'll dump all her tea in Boston Harbor? Oooh!" He took a sip from the flask.

"Mr. Archer put the flask down right now," Mrs. Butters growled.

"Uh no," Archer snorted as he kept on drinking. "Why don't you go f…."

He never finished his sentence.

WHAM!

"Oooh!" Lana winced as Archer fell to the floor after Mrs. Butters punched him in the face. "That's gotta hurt."

Twenty minutes later…

"I hope you're happy…" Lana growled as she drove the car. AJ was sound asleep in the back seat as if nothing had happened.

"Not really," Archer grumbled as he sat in the car with a black eye. "Damn that Mrs. Butters has a good right hook."

"I was almost kicked out of Mommy and Me because of you!" Lana snapped. "And even then I was demoted to the remedial class!"

"And I'll bet she's making you pay extra," Archer said. "That's how they get you! That's one smart racket that British bitch has!"

Lana groaned. "Which is just as well because none of those parents are ever going to want to speak to me again! Did you see the evil eyes we got when we left? It was humiliating!"

"Not as humiliating as being cold cocked by a seventy something year old British knockoff of Mary Poppins," Archer grumbled. "Lana is LA making me soft?"

"Yeah in the head," Lana grumbled.


End file.
